Local MP Supports National Marriage Week Launch

12.00.00am GMT Tue 8th Feb 2005

Annette Brooke with the Chief Rabbi, Dr. Jonathan Sacks

Marriage Week 2005 got underway yesterday with a high profile launch in the House of Commons, with speakers including Dr. Jonathan Sacks, Chief Rabbi, and MPs Annette Brooke and Andrew Selous.

Recognising the many challenges facing married couples in society today, Marriage Week seeks to ensure that policy makers recognise that very simple measures can help to reduce the frequency of marriage break up, for example by encouraging more churches and organisations to establish 'marriage preparation courses' for engaged couples. It also celebrates relationships and marriage, but recognises it as the most stable environment to bring up children.

For much less time than is spent organising the wedding day itself, couples can undertake workshops to assess how they both deal with issues that come up during marriage, such as communication, anger, expectations and conflict. If couples understand better how they manage these situations, many common problems might be better resolved if difficulties occur.

A simple questionnaire highlights issues that some couples may never have considered before, such as who is going to take care of the finances and the household administration and how much time they expect to spend together, given the many other family, work and leisure commitments they have.

Commenting, Annette Brooke MP said:

"It is so important when considering a lifelong commitment with someone that you stop to think about your emotional needs, expectations and your values - and understand whether your partner shares them too."

"In particular, within a marriage, it is important to know how to talk about things, and to communicate problems or frustrations, rather than let them stew and build up without discussing them."

"I hope that more communities will start to offer marriage preparation courses as a means of preventing marriage break ups in the future."

As a Trustee of Poole Community Family Trust, Annette Brooke MP has been involved in these issues for many years and knows how successful the Trust has been to improve relationships.

Marriage Week highlights four bad habits that could ruin your love life.

Check to see if you and your partner have adopted any of these four key bad habits, which if left unchecked will destroy any relationship.

S= Scoring Points - "You did this", Well you did that". This is not a healthy co-operative conversation. It's become a competition to see who wins. Normally, it's a bit like a table tennis game. Occasionally, it can escalate out of control. "You left the cap off the toothpaste". "Well you're not so perfect". "If you don't like it, then leave." The game escalates from table tennis to tennis to warfare.

T = Thinking the Worst - "He's being nice. What does he want?" or "She forgot the cereal I asked for. She doesn't love me" or "He bought flowers. What's he done wrong?" or "She's doing it just to annoy me." Something happens and we assume the worst. yet, being negative is almost never the deliberate intent. Thinking the worst is due to a faulty belief. Explanations are rarely sufficient to change these negative assumptions.

O = Opting out. "I give up… I just can't win with you … I'm not taking this anymore…I'm off to the pub." Opting out is where one or both people withdraw in the face of a difficult issue. It could be emotional or physical withdrawal. Men tend to opt out more often because they think women are nagging or causing conflict. In reality, women are usually trying to talk something over. Having opted out of an argument over money, for example, money becomes a more difficult issue to discuss next time. Opting out is so destructive precisely because issues are shut down one by one until there is nothing left to discuss. Then the couple gets a divorce, claiming to have grown apart. Taking time out to calm down is not the same thing as opting out. It's OK to take a breather to calm down, so long as you return to discuss the issue.

P = Putting down. You can put somebody down in a number of ways starting with character assassination "you moron….you're useless" to the more subtle "you shouldn't think like that…don't worry….don't be sad….". Rolling eyes and clicking tongues has a similarly destructive effect. All of these things put others down and invalidate them.